


Dethzoo Night

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-26
Updated: 2012-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:21:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’re randomly their spirit animals that can unexplainably still talk perfectly normally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dethzoo Night

Charles was having a very normal day (normal by his standards) in his office when he received a phone call from Nathan. “Yes, Nathan?” (Of course he has caller ID.)  
“Do we have an ‘Act of Cthulhu’ clause in our contracts?”  
“Ah, no. Why do you ask?”  
“Because we can’t play tonight. It’s impossible.”  
“And “Act of God” doesn’t cover it, whatever you think the problem is?”  
“Uh, no. Definitely more like Cthulhu. Come down here, okay? You’ll see.” He disconnected.

He was used to having to talk them into fulfilling their obligations, this was really nothing new. And tonight’s show was just a small (by their standards) local one, nothing they’d usually get worked up over. Well surely it was something he could sort out quickly, the were due to leave in a few hours.  
Although Nathan hadn’t specified where he was, they could almost always be found in the hot tub on a show day so that’s where he headed. Perhaps they were really drunk, although Nathan hadn’t sounded particularly drunk...

Charles walked in. “Nathan, I...”  
Nathan was nowhere in sight, and there was a large crocodile in the hot tub, gripping the edge with its front claws. It turned its overly toothy head to face him.  
Where had they gotten that thing? And how?!  
The water churned and two long red tentacles shot out and over the side. Charles watched in disbelief as an octopus pulled itself partially out of the water and turned to face him.

“Oh hi Charlie, we’ve gat a liddle prahblem here!” It waved a tentacle at him, and sounded _exactly_ like Pickles.  
“Like I said on the phone, we can’t play tonight. I mean, I guess I can still sing but I can’t really go on stage like this, you know?” Yes, the croc was Nathan, or at least it had his voice (which somehow made even less sense.) “Hey Pickles, pour me another beer.”  
“Okie.” The octopus deftly opened a beer and upended it into the croc’s waiting mouth.

Charles watched nervously. “Pickles? Please don’t do that, you could lose a hand- arm- _tentacle_ that way.  
“Aw I won’t bite him! Besides, I can’t open the damn things, I tried.” There was indeed what appeared to be the broken remains of at least one beer bottle in front of him, surrounding his dethphone.  
“How did you even call me?”  
“Speed dial. Claws.”

Maybe it was just these two? Nathan’s voice seemed to be in working order, and if the rearranged the drum kit Pickles could probably do his job adequately, despite his squishy state. “Have you heard from the rest of the band?”  
“Uh yeah, Skwisgaar’s trapped in his room, you should probably go let him out. I don’t know about Murderface or Toki though.”  
Pickles was happily drinking another beer, while Nathan watched longingly.  
Charles decided he needed to find the rest of the band, as soon as possible. “Nathan, don’t bite Pickles. Both of you, slow down on the drinking. I’ll be back.”

He went to Skwisgaar’s room first, since he’d been told he was in there. There was a large white bird standing in front of the window, it looked more like some odd mix of birds than any particular species. “Skwisgaar?”  
“Oh finallies somesbody opens de damns door!” The bird stalked past him into the hall.  
Charles watched as it spread its wings, only to have them brush the walls. With a disgusted snort a bird should _not_ be able to make, it refolded its wings and walked off.  
“Band meeting at the hot tub!” Charles called after him.

Since he was down this way, Charles decided to check Toki’s room next.  
The room was dark and appeared to be empty. He turned on the light. “Toki?”  
“Goes away!”  
“Toki, are you hiding under the bed? Please come out.”  
“Noes!”  
“I’m assuming you’ve turned into some sort of animal, all the others have. We’re about to have a band meeting to figure this out and you need to attend.” If he fit under the bed he couldn’t be too large, Charles waited to see. And had to hide his surprise when the rabbit crawled out. A rabbit? _Really?_ He was a pretty big rabbit, but hunched into a ball like he was he looked so small.

The rabbit came to his feet, then stretched up. “Carries me?”  
Well he’d done stranger things for them before. And it might be safer for Toki, until they knew what they were dealing with. He grasped the rabbit under the arms and lifted it, not quite sure how to hold it. He really wasn’t the ‘cradling something’ type. Charles settled for placing it where its front paws were on his shoulder, supporting it with his arm. _Toki_ , he was having trouble thinking of it as Toki.  
The rabbit, Toki, seemed happy enough to be carried that way. His whiskers tickled.  
Charles decided to detour back to the hot tub before looking for Murderface, he might have turned up. Also to make sure Nathan hadn’t eaten one of his band members.

The scene hadn’t changed, except for the addition of Skwisgaar perching on the back of a heavy chair, his talons gouging large holes in the upholstery. “Skwisgaar, that’s Itallian leather you’re ruining.”  
“So finds me someting elses to perch ons.”  
“Hey asscholesch.” a large white tiger walked into the room, raised its tail and sprayed the wall. The smell was _awful_.  
The bird made a gagging sound and suddenly flew up to perch on the TV. The rabbit buried it’s nose in Charles’s neck. The octopus went under.

Charles sighed. “Murderface, that’s vile, please don’t do that again. Skwisgaar, get down from there, it’s not going to hold your weight. Nathan, can Pickles breathe under there?”  
“Yeah, he’s fine. Why are you carrying Toki?”  
Charles made an attempt to detach the rabbit, but it dug its claws in and hung on. “Because he won’t let me put him down. So tell me, how did this happen?”  
“We don’t know, it just happened! And no, we weren’t playing with old spell books again. We still haven’t figured where you hid them anyway.”

There was a squawk and a crash as the TV and the bird hit the floor together. He hadn’t had room to get his wings going in time. Ruffling his feathers and raising his head high, he walked back to the already ruined chair and hopped back up on it.  
Charles considered them, having no idea what to do. They certainly couldn’t play the show like this, that was for certain.  
The tiger was sitting at the edge of the hot tub, appearing to be debating whether or not to try to fit his massive body in with the others. Suddenly he jumped in, sending a wave of overflow across poor Charles’s shoes.

Pickles quickly climbed up Nathan to get out of the way. “Git out! Yer too big!”  
“Tigersch like water too! And it’sch becausche I’m fat, ischn’t it?”  
“It’s because you’re even bigger than I am, and you don’t need to be in the fucking water!” Nathan thrashed his tail the best he could with a fucking tiger in the way.  
“Fine, maybe I schould juscht kill myschelf!” Dripping water everywhere, he climbed out and shook. “Oh wait I can’t, I don’t have handsch!”  
Pickles slid back down into the water, what was left of it. “Can we git sahm more wadder in here? An’ sahm more beer?”

“I wants de beers too, be givings me one.” The bird held out a foot expectantly.  
Curious, Charles took one of the remaining bottles and handed it to him.  
With one foot gripping the chair back firmly, Skwisgaar held up the beer and opened it with his beak. He seemed unsure how to proceed, but after some awkward and unsuccessful contortions he simply grabbed the neck with his beak and tilted his head up. He returned the beer to his talons, looking proud of himself.  
“I wants a beer too!” Toki had been watching, but he had no chance in hell of being able to open one himself.

Some Klokateers came in, bearing buckets of water, a cooler of beer, and a couple bowls. The cooler was placed close to Pickles, he seemed to be the one with the best dexterity, and the bowls on the floor. (The water of course went in the hot tub, refilling it.)  
They poured a couple beers in the bowls, and Murderface immediately went to one and started lapping it up. Charles finally managed to pry Toki loose and set him in front of the other one, where twitched in a paranoid manner but started drinking anyway. He noticed Skwisgaar and Murderface watching him, and it made him more nervous. Why did he have to be a stupid dildos rabbit anyway? It sucked!

“Isch anybody elsche hungry?”  
Toki squeaked and vanished under the couch.  
“Yeah, I could eat.”  
“Ja, me toos.”  
“Eh, I’m good with tha booze.”  
“Pickles, I’ve told you before that booze isn’t food.”  
Charles was already phoning instructions.

Soon more Klokateers arrived, or maybe the same ones, they all looked alike anyway so who the fuck could tell? They had assorted foods. A whole raw chicken was cautiously placed in front of Nathan, a fish of some sort in front of Pickles. One set a bowl of what looked like salad beside the couch that Toki was hiding under, and another tossed a large hunk of some red meat toward Murderface. Skwisgaar was given a bowl of something he instantly tossed aside, glaring at the poor man with his wings extended in a threatening manner.  
“Birds seeds? _Birds seeds?!_ Does I looks like a fucksing parakeets to you? Gets me some fucksing meat!”  
“Yes, My Lord, right away.” He hurried out.

Charles watched them eating, this was still a pretty typical band meeting as far as that went. “Toki come out and eat your salad before it gets warm.”  
“Noes! Skwisgaar wants to eats me!”  
“Skwisgaar’s not going to eat you. Are you, Skwisgaar?”  
“Rabbit sounds pretty goods actsually, but I am not goings to eats Toki. Bets he tastes like crybabies.”  
“Fucks you, Skwisgaar!”  
“Pfft, maybe some utter times.” He was distracted by the servant returning with a dish of some sort of meat chunks. The poor guy seemed unsure where to put it.

Charles shrugged apologetically. “Ah, just hold it for him. Skwisgaar, don’t bite his fingers, that wouldn’t be funny.”  
The poor man obeyed, but flinched every time that hooked beak dipped for another morsel.  
Finished with his food, Murderface pushed his empty beer bowl across the floor to Pickles. “Picklesch, pour me some more?”  
“Sure thing!" He kind of liked having all these tentacles, they were insanely useful. He opened two at once, pouring them into the bowl.  
Toki finally crept out to nibble his salad. Charles refilled his beer bowl and set it beside him, hoping a drunker Toki would be a less paranoid Toki.

“Okay, you’ve all been fed so nobody’s going to eat anybody else, right? Not even for fun, I mean it! I need to go make some calls to take care of tonight, clearly you can’t play. Since I have nothing else to go on, I’ll just blame this one on God. Nobody really questions those too hard anyway.” They would have to either make up the show at a later date or write it off... writing it off would probably be easier.  
He commanded a few Klokateers to linger in the background and get the boys- well, the animals- anything they needed and to alert him of any changes. Sitting in there with them himself would drive him nuts.

Less than an hour later, it happened.  
As soon as he was alerted, Charles rushed back to the room. They were all human again.  
Skwisgaar was lying naked on the ground by the now overturned chair, it hadn’t been up for his non-bird weight. Nathan and Pickles were still in the hot tub, Nathan still looked a little green. Murderface was curled up naked in the corner, moaning. And Toki... Well his naked lower half was sticking out from under the heavy couch that the rabbit had apparently tried to scurry back under. “Toki, can you breathe down there?” That couch was really heavy.  
“Nots so good, noes...”  
“You!” Charles pointed to the servants still in the room. “Lift this end now!” They obeyed, although it took three of them to manage it. Charles grabbed Toki by the ankles and pulled him clear.

Immediate crisis handled, it was time to assess the damage. Murderface seemed to be in the most distress so he was first. “Murderface, what’s wrong?”  
He didn’t even open his eyes, just lay there holding his stomach. “Hurtsch scho bad... how much did I _eat_?”  
Well he’d eaten a tiger sized portion of raw meat, apparently that hadn’t changed with the shape shifting. “Get him to the hospital wing and keep him under observation!” Two Klokateers carefully picked the moaning man up and carried him away.  
“I don’t feel so good.”  
Well Nathan _had_ eaten an entire raw chicken. “Nathan, can you walk?”  
“Uh, yeah?”  
“Follow them, and have the doctors check you out.”

Nathan climbed out and headed off, and Charles turned to the other three. Skwisgaar was still on the floor, but sitting up now. It seemed that his pride was the most injured thing about him. Pickles seemed perfectly fine, and so did Toki now that there wasn’t a couch on top of him. “Well the show’s already cancelled and Skwisgaar broke the TV, so I suggest you all go put on some clothes and rest up from your ordeal. Skwisgaar, Pickles, you both ate raw meat too, you should be okay but if you start feeling at all ill I want you to go straight to the doctors.”  
They nodded, looking unconcerned.  
With a final visual check, Charles nodded to them and retired to his own quarters. He needed a fucking drink, and some sleep.


End file.
